of rants. of empty heart. of littman stethoscope.

 There is a lot in my mind today. My thoughts are quite jumbled. Bits of this and that. Writing this could relieve my overthinking. I hope it will. Its hard to describe. But my thoughts have been to the past very much. I remembered during first few months of working as House Officer. I havent got my first pay. I was staying at hospital quarters. Living off my savings. Feeling defeated everyday. Almost crying everyday when i get back. And I still remember, him supporting me. Giving me monthly allowance. I still remember during my offday. I didnt know where to go. My savings were not that much. And he texted me, saying he deposited some amounts into my account. Told me to let off some steam. Go somewhere. And so I took grabcar and went to IOI alone.  I was walking inside IOI feeling small, like a country bumpkin. I dont know where to go. But 1 thing that I know, I want to buy a new perfume. So, I went to Sasa. I still remember the salesgirl judgy eyes when I entered her shop. And I immed

  a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit. - Oxford dictionary on family. Sunday. The family day. I'm still in Sibu. Working here in COVID team. Today I miss my family. Especially today. Because we usually gather around on Sunday. I missed drinking hot tea during breakfast. Listening to my niece and nephews excited scream watching cartoon on Sunday. And I lazily do whole family's laundry. While waiting for clothes, I will sit at our long dinner table. Sipping hot tea. Talking with Mommy. And then Pija will chipped in sometimes with her snide comment. And Ana will be busy at the kitchen, thinking and preparing lunch for us and her kids. Ecah will either playing with our niece and nephews, or vacuuming carpets. Ejat will either planning for short visit to amusement place or nearby park; or was away with work or went to cycling early morning. I miss them all. Really do. Feels like crying because I'm so far away from them. I miss my car too.

So, I'm just an ordinary plain jane. I think I was cute when I was younger. And I grew up with crying so much that my eyebags are practically part of my face. And my sight was nowhere getting better too. I used to be so slim and slender in my younger days. Less worries and carefree. I think I may gain few admirers back in primary school. But then I chose to be a nerd. When I can be a netball player, hanging out with cool kids. I remembered there was one time in primary school. A turning point in my life.  I always hated WA and WD positions. It would mean ready to rough-housed by my teammate throughout the game. Duh I was in netball team back in primary school. I attended training as early as possible. I started my training at the age of 7 or 8 years old. Couldnt remember much the details. But I was doing so well. I played very well and even gain attention from senior players who were in Standard 5 and 6. Heck, I was a very sought after junior. But after the preliminaries for the di

I've spent all of the love I saved We were always a losing game Small-town boy in a big arcade I got addicted to a losing game How many pennies in the slot? Giving us up didn't take a lot I saw the end 'fore it begun Still I carried, I carried, I carry on  - Duncan Laurence on Arcade It is a sad entry. About him. About the love of my life. About Abang. From the first time we chatted, I knew it wont work between us. There was a huge divide between us. We fought a lot. We flirted with each other hard too. All I know, I wont be end up with him. He had zero chances to be in my heart. Absence makes heart go ponder. There he was, slowly creeping into my heart. With his unnaturally kind way. Touching my heart when no one can. And makes me miss him terribly when he was away. Little did I know, this guy would kick every other guys that I ever interested in, out of my heart. Skip a few months, there he is. Sitting calmly in my heart. He became the love of my life.  Just a few days af

I'm not made in your Likeness.. You are not made for my darkness..  I dunno why, I've been feeling blue lately. Too many things in my mind. And too many things happened. The anxiety feeling of unknown future. The fear of changes.  I've been diverting my thoughts with manhwa and manga lately. I dun wanna be bothered with the fact the next phase of my life would be a place faraway from here. I don't want to even think about it. I'm trying my best to leave it all to Allah. To be content with what Allah had planned for me. Tawakkal. I'm trying to. And there's my love life. Too many uncertainties. Too many dreams. Too many love for him. Abang comel. Even writing about him made me smile. You are my escape.  But in the end, I must count my blessings. Tawakkal, Di.  will I still be here next month?   *I know the title and first two line of this post doesn't make any sense. But it's my blog. And it's just the random thing that I spewed out whe

I've always wanted to travel. I said this to myself 12 years ago, while looking at the window. And there's a trail of white cloud from a probably foreign space rocket, along with a small airplane which usually passed by small district called Muar. The sky was azure blue, the sun shine warmly. And there was me, a 16 year old girl who were filled with hope and ambition, and whispered to myself, "we can get out from here, one fine day, we will," and I continued lying down on the cold marble floor, gazing the blue sky. Dreaming of future. Little did i know, I would be going to India for 2 and half year, two years later.  Then, there was me, an 18 year old girl, with suitcase of almost all things I own in this world, while sent by my late father, my sister at the bus station. And my teary eyes when I waved goodbye to my late father as the bus started moving on its course to Shah Alam, where I spend the next 2 years studying and taking A Level prior going to Ind