finding myself.

I've always wanted to travel.

I said this to myself 12 years ago, while looking at the window. And there's a trail of white cloud from a probably foreign space rocket, along with a small airplane which usually passed by small district called Muar. The sky was azure blue, the sun shine warmly. And there was me, a 16 year old girl who were filled with hope and ambition, and whispered to myself, "we can get out from here, one fine day, we will," and I continued lying down on the cold marble floor, gazing the blue sky. Dreaming of future. Little did i know, I would be going to India for 2 and half year, two years later. 

Then, there was me, an 18 year old girl, with suitcase of almost all things I own in this world, while sent by my late father, my sister at the bus station. And my teary eyes when I waved goodbye to my late father as the bus started moving on its course to Shah Alam, where I spend the next 2 years studying and taking A Level prior going to India. It was unexpected journey, where my family put high hopes on me to get a scroll of medical degree.

Fast forward, there I am. In the lavish hostel room at Manipal, Karnataka India. Unpacking my things while crying and feeling scared. Unsure what awaits me in the land of Bollywood. I wish I could tell the 20 year old me, I will get through all this, to enjoy my time in India to the fullest before coming back to Melaka. But Allah's plan is greater. Going to India is a life changing experience for me. I got to travel via train in India. Taking domestic flights to and fro. Treated like a rich girl in flights, simply ordering anything I like as the in-flight food is not as expensive as in international flights. And most of all, wearing all expensive clothes I've ever dream of getting, trench coat, a pair of woodland sneakers, favourite blouse that I bought for travel. Feeling able to buy anything I want, is the best feeling in the world. My 16 year old me will never think of this kind adventure awaits her, should she let her failed puppy love screw her SPM. I could still remember my online shopping spree. Mykart/Flykart is the online famous shopping website during that time. And the currency exchange rate of MYR and INR was low, awakened my passion in collecting sneakers. I was thankful for all of the experience given by Allah. He gave all that to me. He gave more than I asked. And more importantly, the journey to finding Him while I was there, it made me who I am today. Although I'm still lost in a way, but I'm glad I had some guidance back there. 

And I hope to find it back. I want to be whole again. Not feeling empty like this. I need to do some soul searching again. Ya Allah, help me find myself, and love myself before I'm returning back to you for good. For I always love You. Even when my heart is empty. Please accept all of my good deeds and grant me jannah as my final resting place. Amin.