Insecurities.

So, I'm just an ordinary plain jane. I think I was cute when I was younger. And I grew up with crying so much that my eyebags are practically part of my face. And my sight was nowhere getting better too. I used to be so slim and slender in my younger days. Less worries and carefree. I think I may gain few admirers back in primary school. But then I chose to be a nerd. When I can be a netball player, hanging out with cool kids. I remembered there was one time in primary school. A turning point in my life. 

I always hated WA and WD positions. It would mean ready to rough-housed by my teammate throughout the game. Duh

I was in netball team back in primary school. I attended training as early as possible. I started my training at the age of 7 or 8 years old. Couldnt remember much the details. But I was doing so well. I played very well and even gain attention from senior players who were in Standard 5 and 6. Heck, I was a very sought after junior. But after the preliminaries for the district level tournament, I dont know why, I approached the coach and said I had a medical condition. I said I had Bronchial Asthma. Ever since I told him that, I gain a new nickname from the mean coach, I was practically shunned from entering any competition. My social status hit rock bottom. I was slumped with nerd groups that barely wanted me. And to make it worse, I let myself be a reserve player that wont be called out to play during tournament, and was made to be a water girl. I handed out water to player and always being dragged to everywhere they go. I was an errand girl. 

Perhaps not this kind of water girl/boy. Lol

I was treated like a trash. There was only 2 class for each level. I thought it would be good to be in the upper class. Boy, was I wrong. I was too naive. I entered the school at Standard 2. Where the girls in the class had made their own friend, has own BFF. I was alone. I was close to some of the girls. I became a friend to a small social group - Normal Clique(I forgot what it was called as). So there were 4-5 girls in the group and I was the latest addition to the group. And I made friend with 1 girl. A girl that was so relatable with me. But in the end the group shut me out. They badmouthed me. They calling me names. And the girl that was supposed to be my BFF, she made me her enemy. There was the nerd group who would always be nice to me. But I never felt I belonged to any of the social group back then. My primary school friends were all bullying me. Not physically, but via emotionally and mentally. 

Mean girls is real guys. Every school has mean girls. In my primary school, it was A and S.

I was alone in primary school. For 2 years, I spend my life feeling lost. I always hanging out in the library. Seeking comfort in books and when I failed to get promoted as prefect, I applied to be a librarian. Soon, my life was only exciting in the library. Not in the class, not at the track field and nowhere in the school. And soon after, I realised that UPSR was going to be near. I started to think far. Far from this wretched school. Where physical traits are everything. I started to really do my homework. Thinking about my life. And read MORE. I finished all maths problem in my prep class. I started to do my tests well. I gain more weight (cuz my mom always make me bring my lunchbox, and my lunchbox was hefty). I said goodbye to netball. I skip the meaningless training. I began to befriend with the school librarian. Gain her trust. And the teacher who was in charge of the library started to like me. I get to read more and more. All the new books was mine to read. 

This is me. Literally now and then.

Fast forward, I ace my final exam in Standard 5. Teachers started to notice me. I was a loser back then. But I rise up from ash, and started my Standard 6. Soon after my reputation was build. I started to lent my friends, my books for answers to all homework. I became top 5 in my class. And then I started to aced all my tests and exam. Until it was mock exam for UPSR. I got straight As. The clique that once shunned me out started to befriend me back. But I was no longer the old me. I stayed low. And then UPSR came and went. My final exam too. I came out to be victorious. I got straight As. My teachers were all proud of me. I think I am somewhat not what they expected to be. I was not their favourite student. And yet, I still didnt know what was my driving force. Perhaps it was from my religious classes I took during afternoon - where I was in Top 3 all the time in the school. But it was still a peculiar experience. What was 10 year old me thinking? Did she can foresee the future? Or did someone from the future encouraged me? Or was I simply mature early and took care of myself and my future? I dont know. Its still a wonder for me.

But in my journey to success, I kind of let go all physical beauty and sense of fashion. My family couldnt afford that. It was ingrained in me, that perhaps someone will see past this old-fashioned exterior and accept me. I used to believe, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I believed something more than just beautiful face, shiny new clothes. Many times my belief was tested. And I almost gave up with my belief. I slumped all the stereotypes together and I started to be judgemental. Slowly, my self confidence hit rock bottom. I rejected all guys. I hated guys. Especially Malay guys. Those obnoxious, snobbish Malay guys. My experience has failed me. I lived my life being disappointed again and again for not being beautiful. Until I let it get the best of me. I let those Malay guys set the beauty standard for me. I know, I am not the usual beauty Malay girl you would find out there. My only attraction was my fair skin. 

I was cheated by my first love to a Middle East beauty who used to be my BFF. I was not beautiful enough for him. Not good enough for him too. I was rejected by my crush in college, because I was not his taste and he fell for my housemate. I was used multiple times by the Malay guys, in order for them to get close to my girlfriends. I was a middle guy for their search of love. I was and maybe still a loser. I had insecurities about my looks, my body and my own job. 20 years has passed since I left the netball court. 20 years of insecurities. 20 years of disappointment. 20 years of feeling not good enough for a guy. I dont know where life will bring me. I do still feel those insecurities. 

Now, I am stuck with a beautiful girl who can be a model if she wanted to. I will be haunted by her shadows. Guys will always see her, and not me. I dont know what am I gonna do about this. I dont hate her. But I hate my insecurities. Perhaps these insecurities will not leave me. No matter how well-dressed I am, she will always look good in just wearing plain clothes. No one is gonna see me. But I do hope, despite my insecurities, my family will always love me. Abang will always love me. Maybe someday, I will accept the fact of who I am, what I am and how I will turn out in future. I hope my future self will love me too. Insecurities will always be a part of me. 

It has held me back more times than it should. Maybe in the future too. :(